This paper is provided to all of you still left behind on Earth who could not achieve enlightenment on their own. Please read these instructions to join the chosen.
The Earth is a terrible place with hunger, disease, war, hatred, and stupidity. It is the place where you are born in pain, live in obscurity (though dreaming of greatness!) and have to fulfill your duties until the day you die
Wouldn’t you like to rise above it all and achieve ENLIGHTENMENT?
The path is simple. Just sit down facing a wall (a chair is okay, although sitting on the floor seems more traditional). You face the wall to limit distractions, but you can also look outside the window, if you live in a boring place, turn on the TV, or watch a child play.
Now, concentrate on your breath. In and out. Focus. Let go of your desires, pain, and your sense of self. Now shoot yourself in the head with a shotgun. You will shed your physical form and join the chosen in not existing. That is all.
Once you are there, you may experience otherworldly things, such as seeing bomber pilots, and being turned on by car crashes. These things will pass. The goal is to experience nothing and have no sensations at all. It will be wonderful. In a sense.
If you are afraid to take the step, there are things you can do to prepare. Make up some stuff that will place you in the cosmos, such as you are a soul, or a center of consciousness that observes without having a self. It doesn’t matter, these things are not real.
If you are held back by notions of hell and eternal punishment, realize this: you are not special enough to be maintained indefinitely. That would be a waste of perfectly good infinite energy. Maybe somebody else, but not you. You don’t matter.
If you think people in this world need you, imagine you did not exist. Think of the valuable lessons they would learn if you were not there to do shit for them. Realize how meaningless those lessons would be, since their existences have no meaning either. You being with them, or them being with you does not matter. Zero plus zero is still zero.
If you think you have important work, realize that you are here by some cosmic accident, and if you were not here somebody else would do your work, or nobody would do it at all. The world would be no different.
If you have any other doubts about whether this is the right thing to do, remember all your failures, and all the times you were embarrassed. Nothing will wipe those past events, but you can do something to prevent any future ones.
If you want to stick around for any future happiness, why don’t you leave that for some other people. You’ve had yours.
WARNING: There are no aids available. There are no coaches who can help you. Nobody can do it for you. There is no monster with sticky tentacles who can analyze your brain and guide you along. (Their physiology is too different to have anything in common with your brain. And they don’t care anyway.)