We Seven

I just got into bed, getting ready for a good night’s sleep. I was alone, my wife had gone on a business trip, so I figured the whole entire bed belonged to me. I shuffled to the middle of the bed and lay with my arms and legs wide.

And I touched something foreign. Something I was not expecting there, so I flinched and a cool sweat covered my back. I pulled it out from beneath the covers and took a good look. It was most definitely a man’s speedo.

The most obnoxious thing that could ever exist, a speedo. A used one. And one that was definitely not mine. The conclusion was simple – my wife had a secret lover.

I jumped out of bed and prowled about the house, looking for more evidence of infidelity and before the clock struck four a.m. I had found plenty.

A torn condom wrapper in the garbage.

A toothbrush tucked away in the medicine cabinet.

A half-eaten bacon sandwich in a kitchen drawer.

A book of Jeremy Clarkson quotes.

A short grey hair in a box of noodles. (My hair is brown!)

The toilet seat up.

There they were, right in front of me, seven pieces of evidence proving betrayal. Seven, like the seven dwarfs… And then it hit me.

What if each of them was evidence of a separate betrayal? I wept and wept, until I had tears no more. If they were the seven dwarfs, then who was I?

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