I heard a voice calling me in the night, so I woke up. There was nobody there, but the voice kept calling.
“Who is it?”
“It is I, your Lord who is the Lord of Israel and Utah. Heed my voice.”
I got out of bed, put my slippers on and knelt. Then I got up, ran to the closet, got my bathrobe and put it on. I tied the belt and then knelt again.
“I am here, my Lord. Speak, for your servant is listening.”
“I am the one who led Moses out of Egypt and Columbus to America to reclaim my kingdom from the savages. Heed my voice.”
“I am here, my Lord!”
“There is a wicked man walking this land,” said the Lord, “A man who takes my name and flaunts it on street corners, who swears he is my servant on webpages and social media. But he is wicked in his heard. He withholds payment from his workers and that is an atrocious sin. I will make you my tool to take him down.”
I got excited. I bowed all the way to the floor but then I realized this is what Muslims do and was worried the Lord would strike me down for it, so I got up to normal kneeling again and said: “I am a humble servant, how can I serve thee, my Lord?”
“Silence,” the Lord’s voice became loud and angry, “How dare you question me? I am a vengeful God and I will fuck you up if you don’t do as I tell you. Do not dare question my choices. You are the right tool for the right job.”
I fell back down to my face and decided to keep this humble posture.
“Now, back to the wicked man. He made a mistake and We shalt use it against him. He did not file the A-3 form. You will go to the tax authority and tell them about that, they will uncover multiple other inconsistencies and he will lose everything. His wife will leave him and he will have to seek humble employment. And he will know I AM THE LORD.”
That last comment brought about a small earthquake. I humbled myself into the carpet and waited for it to pass. The the Lord doth spake again.
“Now, go to sleep. You will wake up early in the morning and drive to the tax authority. I have already changed your alarm clock to 7 a.m. Know my Love, for I am a gentle and caring God.”
I thought saying something would be appropriate at this point. “Thank you, My Lord. That is an excellent plan. I know it will work.”
“I work in mysterious ways. Now sleep, my child.”