“So what’s so great about being straight anyway?” Jervais was teasing Scotty all nigth, and this was just one of the things. I hung around to listen to the conversation. The party was booming around us.
“You won’t understand it,” Scotty tried being diplomatic, “I mean, we have our thing, you have yours.”
“Come on, humor me.”
“Okay, well. The first thing that comes to mind is boobs,” said Scotty, laughing.
“What’s so great about boobs? They’re just bags of fat.”
“Don’t say it like that, man. They’re nice and soft, and pleasant to look at.”
“So you miss your mom so much, you need her breasts again?”
“Hey, don’t be gross, man.”
“So what else is there?” Jervais pressed on.
“Well, their panties are so cute and tiny. They have small hands.”
“Guys got abs,” said Jervais, “Muscles, big arms. They make you feel safe.”
“I don’t need to feel safe, man. I need to make someone else feel safe in my arms, you know what I’m saying?”
“Okay, I guess there is that. But you could have a small guy and take care of him too.”
“But it would still be a guy.”
“So?” Jervais moved closer, “Is there anything else?”
Scotty was thinking and I could tell he had something, he was just looking for a way to say it. Finally, he came back with:
“A guy is a guy, like me. We think more or less alike. But a girl is different. They are brought up different, so they don’t think like we do. I mean, they will always give you a different perspective. And getting to know them is like an expedition. You know? We are pioneers, exploring the uncharted territories.”
That got Jervais thinking. I chimed in: “Scotty, what you just said. That’s the gayest thing I ever heard coming from a guy.”
We all laughed. Finally, Jervais came up with something: “You know what else? Vagina is self-lubricating.”